Evolution of a Plus Size Black (dark skin) Goth

Hey there! My name is Ayauna Andrews. I'm an aspiring character and concept artist under the pen name "ayaunova," 24 years old, living in America, uber-geek, black, plus size... and I've been alternative since I was a kid.

Now, I want to start off saying even though at 8, 9, 10 y.o. I was greatly inspired by alternative rock and the musicians I idolized like Avril Lavigne, Green Day, and Aly and AJ, it still took me a while to build enough confidence to start dressing the way I want to dress (and even to just listen to this type of music--growing up in a predominantly black area people don't necessarily jump to help support your choices when your choices include listening to rock music and doing what they consider to be very "white"). Initially, my way of being alt was dressing like a guy. I called myself 'tomboy' even though that's not what it was at all. Basically: snapbacks, t-shirts with jeans, and sneakers. Maybe if I were feeling a little spicy, fingerless gloves and a tie. I literally called myself a 'tomboy girly girl' like wtf does that even mean, Ayauna? I think, in the end, I was trying my best to dress like Avril Lavigne (and other rock icons) without it seeming like I was trying to be 'white.'

Another huge influence on my alternativeness was anime and video games. You need to seek no further than a crime fighting, sword-wielding anime girl with unnaturally colored hair, thigh stockings, short skirts, and other quirky tastes in fashion to realize why I was so drawn to alternative culture as a kid. I only wanted to be like the girls I looked up to--the Sailor Scouts, the Rhyths, the Zeldas, the Sarias, the Yoruichis, the Sakuras, and the Bulmas. On top of this, a lot of anime and j-video games used alternative and rock music in their soundtracks, so that pulled me in even further.

Not to mention all the gothic icons I saw in cartoons growing up!

Huh..... I think I know why I wanted to dye my hair purple at age 10, now.



So around 10-13, I wanted desperately to be a punk (or just alt in general). Mostly, I was just really into the idea of layering bunches of different clothes, socks, and accessories to make it kind of unique and alt. I don't have any pictures of me attempting to be punk (because this would be 2005-2008 and I still hadn't really grasped the concept of a "selfie" yet) but I can say that I didn't really have the confidence nor the resources to be punk. But I tried to try... if that makes any sense.

Even back then, there was a little goth peeking through. I was kind of a twisted dark child. I remember being enamored by the deathhawk and loving the hell out of chunky platform boots with buckles everywhere. Tim Burton was the only director I knew because I loved his creepy work. I loved the aesthetic of skulls and bones. Bats were CUTE AF. I had a black cat named Onyx fcol (granted, it was because my favorite pokemon was Onix bUT STILL). Sabrina the Teenage Witch was my favorite TV show, even though it was nothing but reruns. Courage the Cowardly Dog was creepy as hell, but it was one of my favorites. Legend of Zelda as well (especially Majora's Mask).

Then enter my Scene phase @14-16ish when I discovered that YouTube was a place where I could look up videos and tutorials of people doing scene hair and makeup. I finally started grasping the idea of a selfie so I have a few pictures of me ATTEMPTING (emphasis on attempting) to be a Scene.

One of the first things I did was chop my hair for a little fringe.

Occasionally I would try to tease my hair with very crappy results. At the time, though, I thought it was amazing because I'd never gotten a chance to really express myself this way!

And I remember I had these sunglasses and I popped the lenses out of them and wore it like that because that was kind of an 'in' thing to do with Scene as well.

I also loved wearing tons of accessories (like a true Scene) but, oddly enough, I took very few pictures of me wearing them. I just remember picking up a lot of  hair accessories (mostly BOWS), earrings, and stuff from Claire's. This was also the time I started actually shopping for myself, so my style was sorrrrt of veering its head by last couple years of high school.

I actually have a collection of videos of me in 2011 having a little fashion show on the last legs of my scene phase. Odd layering choices, hair accessories galore, bracelets that aren't really bracelets, prescription glasses used for fashion instead of their intended purpose, and a mildly teased ponytail.... YUP. It is very cringey... and luckily I can't post them here anyways so, dODGED THAT BULLET.

Here are a couple screenshots from those videos. This is all you get. Don't ask for the vids cuz yur not getting em. (oh god what's happening to me, I'm reverting back!!!!)


 And by far my favorite one... "You can pop the collar up, too. If you want, you can look more dramatic, like a vampire" -Ayauna, 2011
BABY BAT'S FIRST GOTHIC OUTFIT (kind of).

I bought my first pair of CONS from Journey's. They were purple and I accidentally bleached them a little and ended up just drawing a heart over the bleach stain with a purple marker ahhhh good times.

And these neato long, strappy, fingerless gloves (that I'm only wearing one of in this because FASHION).

I really thought I was a scene queen.

Then I discovered makeup and ended up playing around in makeup a lot. I remember one time I just covered my lips in black eyeliner... I was a weird kid (and still am).

For a second, I started calling my style "Preppy Punk" and actually took some inspiration from Willow Smith (yes, even though she was hella years younger than me). I remember watching this video on YT where she called herself "school girl meets punk rock" and I was like, "YES THAT'S LITERALLY WHAT I AM"

After high school, I started gravitating away from Scene, although I never officially ended it, per se. In my first year of college, you can definitely see a bit of residual Scene happening in my style, but otherwise was pretty normal.

 

Oh and, for one second, I tried out decora (which is basically extreme Japanese Scene tbh) because I was really into Japanese Street Fashion and decora was a fav of mine for a while.

Then, I finally got my first piercing, after ages of obsessing over them, in Summer of 2013.

I also started getting obsessed with DIYing costumes for Halloween at this point, too. Usually, I would choose a costume that I felt I would wear even when it wasn't Halloween.

Eventually, I stopped labelling myself and just called my style 'eclectic,' because, by this point I think I called myself... ahehehem: punk, grunge, and preppy style with a hint of geeky/weird. And I started taking fashion inspo from:

From left to right (and from most to least): Helena Bonham Carter, grav3yardgirl, Zooey Deschanel, and Taylor Swift

However, at the height of the tumblr age, I started transitioning to grunge and soft grunge. That was the 'in' alt thing and I wanted to hop in, especially since there were so many pictures of grunge and soft grunge (and pastel goth)--it was easy for me to be inspired. I want to say I ended up having a little "pastel goth" thrown in, too, because of my love for skeletons, black boots & platforms, garters, and harnesses. But I mostly stuck with the 'grunge' tag for most of my inspo.

I remember I went on this search for just a plain red flannel for the longest time and ended up picking up this pink/yellow gingham shirt. It took me no time to realize that maybe this wasn't exactly what I was looking for... lol

 

Then, a bit later, I found this red and white gingham shirt. I also liked this shirt for a very short time but I used this much more than the pink one.

Because I was having such a hard time finding a proper flannel (and also just because the cute little kawaii princess in me couldn't be contained), I pretty much started going straight into soft grunge until it became this bastardized mess that I dubbed NDP (nerdy dirty and pretty) that was basically soft grunge but mixed with Japanese influenced fashion and nerdware (including dressing like an old man--it's a look, I assure you). It was meant to be a way for me to show off every side of my alternative style: Geeky, Edgy, and Kawaii.

Just one example of the 'NDP' outfits I would make on the late Polyvore (thanks to Fashmates for bringing it back)

Because I had tumblr inspiring me on a constant basis and also because I was no longer under constant judgement by my parents and other black people (I went to a predominantly white college), I was actually starting to delve much more into my altness than before. I had started searching for my favorite type of music and was constantly listening to new music, trying out so many genres and getting obsessed with so many different musical artists. Of course, I was also starting to be more comfortable with dressing like a weirdo as well. Although, I still had an itty bitty obstacle: money. I was still only working with the little bit of money I got from refund checks (which, I was supposed to be using for groceries but... liiiike... fashion and music, tho) and I didn't have a job.

And I tried and tried and tried with this new NDP thing but ultimately gave up because it was hard finding anything affordable that looked good on me, in my size, and that fits this Nerdy Soft Grunge style.

 

And I started gravitating from NDP/soft grunge simply because I grew tired of coordinating colors and finding the right pieces for outfits to buy and I wasn't feeling the look on me especially for the amount of effort it required most times.

When I started gravitating away from it, I filled that void with continuing to find my sound. Since the start of college, I knew I'd liked rock music but I was introduced to this specific sound and decided I would pick out my top favorite genres from this sound and tried to find more music with these genres. The genres, you ask? Were Electro, Funk, and Rock. Similarly to the title I gave myself when trying to find my look: Nerdy Dirty Pretty, I started looking for a music that I dubbed: Electro Funk Rock. So the entire time from 2012-2016-ish, I was looking to find my sound.

This is an important thing to tell you because, at the end of 2014, something happened that would change my style again. I finally looked up My Chemical Romance.

See, at the very beginning when I was idolizing Avril Lavigne and Green Day, I was also recommended My Chemical Romance. I'd fallen for Green Day so hard that I completely forgot to look up MCR. A couple years later, I was reminded of them again and still didn't look them up. But, during this time when I was trying to find my sound and was literally looking up everything music-related that intrigued me, I came across them again. So at the tail end of 2014, I finally looked them up... and I fell hard.

All I wanted was a band shirt and I knew that Hot Topic would sell them, because if MySpace era Ayauna remembered anything well it was that Hot Topic was the place to go for band merch. And I got one MCR shirt.

But then that sucked me in. I stayed on hottopic.com and I continued to fall hard for MCR (even after figuring out they broke up) and my style started going backwards. But instead of going Scene again, I started going Emo. Sure, it was more of a renewed Emo but my style became literally just band shirts, black skinny jeans (or ripped blue jeans), converse or boots, chokers, and black eyeliner.

I even brought back the fringe, y'all. I had a naturally curly fringe. AN AFRO FRINGE.

And I got that MCR pick necklace.

 I literally wore it all the frickin time.

And of course I was still transitioning, so I still had my days where I would still have my little 'NDP' outfits.

But let me tell you: black, white, gray (and occasionally, red) started taking over my wardrobe.

Then one day, I was rocking some mini twists and I was feeling myself so I threw on some eyeliner and then decided to paint my lips with leftover black paint from Halloween...

And that inspired me to do this.

 

And I even revisited it later on.

Funny thing about that dress: I had wanted a skater dress with a mesh neckline for the longest time but could never find it cheap and in my size. After forever and a day, I found it on ebay and it kind of became a pivotal point for me becoming more darkly inclined. At this point I, by no means, identified as goth. But I truly started to appreciate the all-black aesthetic.

Eventually, my hype for MCR calmed down (even though my love for them never did) and I continued on the road to trying to find my sound. I eventually found a band called The Smiths (through Gerard Way, himself). Their sound was almost perfect, it was almost EFR (the abbreviation for Electro Funk Rock, btw). And on YouTube, they were listed as a "post punk" band. Hm... post punk, huh? I looked around for more bands that were listed as post punk and, most of them I really liked, but most of them also lacked that bit of electro that I loved so much (at the time, when I said electro, I meant, like, EDM). But I kept searching either way and eventually landed on: post punk revival. I loved the sound of it so much, even more than post punk--and the fact that I could find bands in PPR that are still very active today made me into it even more. This genre would introduce me to some of my top bands to this day.

Now, of course, getting into the post punk genre meant I was also briefly introduced into the goth scene. I, however, never wanted to consider myself goth, mostly because I'd seen the goth subculture in action before: mainly over how goths are quick to call people posers for being into nongoth things. And I was into a TON of nongoth things. I still loved my kawaii, my nerd stuffs, my punk and emo and scene but in goth that would be the giantest no-go (that's what I used to think, at least). So, I only would ever claim the term "alternative" until I found the correct label. Anything but goth. Even if I was quite... gothic.

So I witnessed my wardrobe grow darker and darker

Snuck in a cheeky undercut

Finally found a proper flannel

Got more piercings

Improved my makeup skills (slowly but surely)

And temp dyed my hair like a maniac 

By the end of 2016, I had found the majority of my favorite bands under post punk revival. The point when I finally called the end of my band search is when I found a 'post punk revival' playlist on YouTube and came across this song that was perfectly EFR. And I looked up the band--Two Door Cinema Club--and there was not one song that I disliked. I could finally stop searching, I'd found the perfect band. Finally (or at least I thought so at the time).

After the search "finally" ended, I found myself starting to religiously buy only black colorways of clothes, shoes, and accessories. I was doing this because it was such a breath of fresh air from trying to coordinate colors like I always had to do with NDP and because, god, I look good in black. I knew, at this point that I was kind of going goth. I knew because I always ended up using the 'goth' tag to find inspirations for clothing on YouTube and started following so many goth channels. One lady in particular that was a giant inspiration for me was (and still is) Dre Ronayne. Especially because she presented more of a nu-goth and ungoth image (geeky, former punk, MCR loving, green hair), one that I could relate to much more, I found her to bring out more confidence for me to call myself goth. So, around mid-early 2017, I started transitioning to goth.

I should also say around the same time, I started reaaaally getting into East Asian culture again (from my obsession with FFXV) and ended up back into kpop again (but, unlike before, I was literally obssesed with it) and I had a resurgence of influence from both Japanese Street Fashion and, now, Korean fashion and beauty trends.

 

You can really tell because I'm relying on the 'V' too much for my go-to pose...

You know what I did have a hard time doing, though? Finding black (afro) goths on the same platforms. Watching Dre with Kelly and the Fellowship of the Rainbow (what they call their little clique of alternative friends) made me really crave finding a community I could really relate to and be inspired by. Friends, even. But finding other black goth girls on this type of platform is difficult. I know they exist. I've seen them! But most black goth girls I've found don't really post that often (or haven't posted in a while) or don't really bring the most quality of content (I love to support my small channels, but sometimes it's hard to follow channels with subpar quality and erratic posting schedules). I think the only 'popular' black gothic girl on YT that I can properly pick out by name is Drew Disaster. And even she has that problem I mentioned before where her video uploading (especially as of late) is incredibly sporadic.

So, I actually have started feeling like maybe I should take a huge step for the black goth community and put myself out there for other black goths that may be looking for people like them (like I've been doing). Unfortunately, though, I don't want to become the low quality, erratically posting goth like I mentioned before (that's why I decided to start with this blog post, but I digress...)

Halloween '17. This was another turning point in my gothiness. After I did this costume, I started feeling really witchy. I was just getting into a reobsession with Harry Potter and I was feeling the witch vibe. And I found there's this other subcategory of goth called "modern witch goth" and I fell so in love with that look.

I even bought my first lacy, bell-sleeved piece.

And from then on, I pretty much was all goth, all the time and was constantly looking for goth inspiration to work through my baby bat phase.

 

 

However, it all seemed meaningless until I got my first job in April 2018... Then... THEN is when the goth took right off. Because I now have an income of my own and can spend on more and better goth things!

  

I also started to switch up my makeup style.

More lolita-y if you ask me.

And I lerv it.

I learned a lot about my style during this phase of my goth including that I love using gray+silver with my black and white pieces, I love adding in bits of geeky merch in my outfits, Japanese and Korean trends always find their way into my style (which is why I find myself unable to stop buying from places like Wish, Aliexpress, and YesStyle), I would rather wear really short shorts (and sometimes skirts/dresses) so I can pair it with layered stockings, I love oversized shirts, sweaters and jackets on me--so I'm always wearing top heavy outfits, my style shockingly leans on the street/urban side more times than not (after all this time, you guys, I'm still black), and I am the laziest a goth can possibly be: my go-to is a black band tee with a pair of shorts, some fishnet socks, black boots, a choker, and a hat (usually snap back or ball cap) so I don't have to do my hair.

So, essentially this. Explains why this was one of my favorite outfits of 2018.

Now another thing I've noticed is that... my old styles still linger in my current style. Every last one of them. Like the ghosts of alt past, I can literally sit here, take a bunch of outfits I've made and say:

All those accessories, glasses, and the use of layering: Scene

Fishnets, suspenders at the sides, spikes, chains, buckles, and ripped stockings: Punk

Flannel, work boots, the color gray, denim jacket, and chokers(I know this is like a universal alt thing, but I didn't really get into it until I got into...): Grunge

Band tee, winged eyeliner, and skinny jeans: Emo

Geeky merch, skater dresses, brim hats, knee+thigh socks, and collared shirts: NDP/Preppy

Sneakers, ties, snapbacks and ball caps, t-shirts, and shorts: Tomboy/Street

Dust masks, igari blush, oversized shirts, cute accessorizing and layering(similarly to Scene): Japanese Street Fashion

But, unlike then, it's all black now. Maybe a splash of white. And some very very dark gray. But as you probably saw, the gauge of my goth ranges depending on my mood. Sometimes, I'm more post-punk goth, sometimes more 90s goth, sometimes more witch goth, sometimes more nu-goth, sometimes j-street goth, most times lazy goth. Either way, I am goth, I suppose.

Nowadays...
 

These days (early 2019), I've been getting more into the goth subculture by following a plethora of Goth Youtubers (and continuing to search for more black goths YouTubers, too). I have to give props to another favorite that is new to YouTube--B I S H 0 P--she's a fookin amazing human specimen and I'm all about that g0ff life. I've also been keeping up with Goth Amino, and looking up staple bands like the Cure, Sisters of Mercy, Siouxsie and the Banshees, and what have you. I like the Cure and Siouxsie a lot. I even had myself digging a little deeper than just the top staple bands and found Red Lorry Yellow Lorry and Echo and the Bunnymen to be some of my tops bands. However, I still stand quite firmly in my post punk/revival side. Goth rock, itself is fine, but I've noticed a lot of goth rock artists stick with the stereotypical monotonous goth vocals and melodies which is not really for me. I like a emotional melodious melody, a demanding bassline, and a driving rhythm in the drums--which some of the staples have but other goth rock mmmmmmnot so much. Since, I've been just living with my top post punk/revival bands and expanding on it. So far, it's The Cure, Red Lorry Yellow Lorry, Echo and the Bunnymen, Lung Overcoat, Arctic Monkeys, Two Door Cinema Club, White Lies, Ok Go, the Strokes, and We Were Promised Jetpacks.

But good jesus if I don't listen to literally every genre that music has to offer (okay, not every single one, but I listen to a lot). Some of my other favorites include: romantic, classical, modern, contemporary, soundtrack, jazz, fusion, math rock, mathcore, post hardcore, pop punk, kpop, jpop, indie, rnb, hip hop, trip-hop, rap, soul, neo-soul, funk, electro, edm, ambient, experimental, avant garde, folk... you get the idea, right? I don't believe you absolutely 100% must listen to all goth all the time to be goth, I don't even think you have to listen to mostly goth--appreciate the musical culture and respect that it all started with goth rock, yes, but it's not a requirement to live, eat, and breathe goth rock to be goth.

I've also been building my wardrobe. I've just been collecting a bunch of pieces from dollskill, hot topic, charlotte russe, thrift stores, aliexpress, wish, and yesstyle and making them fit my style. I've gotten: headwear, outerwear, layer pieces (like fishnet and mesh), dresses, tops, bottoms, shoes, legwear, bags, makeup, and even homeware... In other words, I'm spending way too much money (but I've never been happier, aesthetically). It's crazy how black my closet is now. But I see that and it makes me so happy. I just imagine 10 y.o. me would be in awe and would idolize me and wouldn't believe that we're even the same person.

I appreciate traditional goth looks, but am the furthest from it. My style (as you saw above) is a mix between nu goth and street goth with j-fashion and k-fashion influences. Honestly, it makes me feel amazing that I'm not this stereotypical goth. My entire life I've been trying to defy stereotypes, so why would I succumb to goth stereotypes? Hell no. I pride myself on being an ungoth goth. I don't understand why someone would try to put rules on a culture that's all about bending conventional ideals and breaking away from boring mundane trends. "Conform to goth..." just sounds like a contradiction doesn't it?

Every now and then, I remember the phases I went through and worry that I'll start to gravitate away from goth, too. But then I remember how much I struggled with my past styles and... I don't really have that problem with goth. I think part of that has to do with me becoming way more confident over the years but another part of me just feels more comfortable in goth. Remember, I kept saying how I was doing things because it was 'in'? After I started going emo, that pretty much stopped... because I wasn't trying to fit in with anything anymore. I was just being as true to myself as possible. And I just evolved into goth because it was calling me in, like I was trying to deny it to avoid the community but... goth just made me feel more myself than the other phases. Because, even if I dress more normal, the fact that I'm dressing in all black makes me feel happy. In the past, when I was still wearing color and trying to coordinate colors in outfits, I was still kind of normal, especially on lazy days. I would go out in jeans and a t-shirt and it was like I wasn't alt at all. These days, even on a lazy 'jeans and a t-shirt' day, I would still feel and look alt. And that has made me feel amazing. It's like I've finally solidified my identity. I finally feel one with myself.

So, I dare say... I am a Spooky Gurl 4 Lyf.